Support Your Local Sith!

This is the latest entry for a Newsletter I write for in my Star Wars Costuming Group (the Alpine Garrison of the 501st Legion). My column is called 'The Stinken' Jedi' and this is the posting for the 3rd issue. . . which never came out (oh well). There are more to come!


Every once in a while there comes along an opportunity you must take advantage of. Something that only comes along once every few million years (give or take). Something that no one else will believe unless you have Polaroids. Well, my loyal fans (and, what the heck, to you self-righteous critics and artistically challenged editors), this Jedi has really outdone himself, if you can believe it. What has he done, you might ask?

Well if you'll just calm down a minute, I'll tell you. . . (awkward pause). . . I'm not going to tell you until you all sit down and be quiet. (pause) . . I mean it! (pause) . . .I've got all day, I'll wait (pause). . . Luke, quit hitting your twin sister! . . . (pause) . . . that's better.

Now what the heck was I going to tell you? Oh, yes, the news of the century. After months of busy signals and 'I'll call you back tomorrow,' I secured a personal one-on-one in the flesh interview with our very own leader himself, Emperor Palpatine! Now you may wonder what a Jedi and the Master of the Sith would be doing in the same room together? Fighting? I should think not. I read the prophecy, and "The Chosen One" I ain't. Me and Palpy (as his friends call him) have known each other for years. We met through his MySpace page. Once you get past the fact that he's a self-centered, genocidal, sexist tyrant he's not that bad at all (his personal hygiene could use some work, but you didn't hear that from me).

This all took place a short time ago in a bar not far, far away. He had the salad and I had the special, which was highly recommended I might add. Anyways, here's everything we talked about in between his busy life of obliterating star systems.

SJ: Palpy, it's good to see you.

EP: You too. . . umm, eh. . . Bill? No, that's not it. . . ummm. . . don't tell me. . . I'm good at names, really, . . . erm . . I'm drawing a blank here . . . aw, heck, you know who you are!

SJ: . . . thanks.

EP: So, first question!

SJ: Oh, sure. How have you been, first of all?

EP: Never better! Fear is in the air, the Jedi are all extinct. All is right in the galaxy.

SJ: ALL the Jedi?

EP: You heard me.

SJ: You're sure? Maybe you missed one or two?

EP: They're extinct, I say! Vader helped me out. I took care of that green munchkin myself!

SJ: But they never found Yoda's body. . .

EP: Yes they did! Next question!

SJ: Okay, ummm, tell us a little about your past. Not very many people know how you became who you are today.

EP: True, I've lived a hooded lifestyle (heh heh) Get it? Hooded? (Ahem) But you're right. Not many people really know who their Emperor is or what he was like when he was younger. There's a lot of stuff people would never guess about me.

SJ: Like?

EP: Like my first name for instance.

SJ: Really, what is it?

EP: Well, believe it or not, it's Bob.

SJ: Bob? Is that short for anything?

EP: Nope, just Bob. Bob Palpatine.

SJ: So, why don't you ever use your first name?

EP: Are you kidding? Bob's not catchy at all. What Empire would follow a guy with a name like Bob. No one. If my name were Dick, maybe, but never Bob. So, I just go by my last name.

SJ: What about your alias, 'Darth Sidious' ?

EP: Oh that's only for my closest associates in the Sith Business. Kind of like the Godfather. SJ: Speaking of being a Sith, how's that working out for you?

EP: Well, it's not easy, to tell you the truth.

SJ: Ruling with absolute power?

EP: Oh no, that part's easy. The hard part is keeping an apprentice alive long enough to take over the business. They always seem to be getting into, umm, how should I put it? Unfortunate accidents with a lightsaber, I guess. We had a close one with this Vader guy I just hired. That accident was extremely messy. He's fine now, but who knows, maybe something else will get to him? Just between you and me, I think he's emotionally unstable.

SJ: Really?

EP: Oh yeah. No father figure as a kid, mother remarried and died young, unhappy marriage, typical things from a broken household.

SJ: And this is the guy you've chosen as your right hand man to rule the galaxy?

EP: I didn't say he didn't have skills. The man is an amazing cook.

SJ: I'll take your word for it. What about you? How do you pass your time?

EP: Me? Oh, just a little bit of everything. I knit, take walks, manipulate the Senate. One of my more recent hobbies is building models. I just came across this really big one of a battle station. Over 5 million pieces, ages 5 and up. When it's finished it lights up and blows up other planets.

SJ: You mentioned walking. Do you do that to keep in shape?

EP: Keep in shape? No, I have personal trainers that help me with that. I rule every planet in the galaxy, and I want to rule them all for a very long time. No, the walks are just for the paparazzi.

SJ: You're not afraid of having your picture taken, then I gather?

EP: Of course not. Why?

SJ: Well, your face for instance.

EP: What about it?

SJ: It's, uh, a little ummm. . .

EP: What?

SJ: Scary?

EP: Hey, for your information my mother thinks my face is adorable. She says I look like a cross between Dick Van Dyke and Ian McKellan.

SJ: I'd say more like a cross between an albino and a head of cauliflower.

EP: Whatever. It's a distinct look. I'm happy with my plastic surgeon.

SJ: So this whole thing about being left "scarred and deformed"; what is that all about?

EP: That was a very rough time in my life. I was working both sides of the Clone Wars, lost my Droid General and my Sith apprentice, and all of the sudden the Jedi are getting in my face. Not to mention my hamster died. Just croaked, no warning! I really needed some sympathy points back then.

SJ: But you're fine with your face now.

EP: Oh absolutely. Chicks dig scars, that's for sure. It worked for Darth Vader before and after the accident. Women can't keep their hands off him.

SJ: What about you? Does the Emperor have a woman in his life?

EP: You mean besides my mother?

SJ: Eww.

EP: Well, I haven't had a lot of time for dating. I did a little when I was a student at Naboo State University. I met this one girl-a transfer student from Tatooine Tech. Gorgeous beyond all belief. Lovely eyes, long dark hair, sexy legs. And she could dance, too! She was on a full scholarship.

SJ: What happened?

EP: She dumped me for the captain of the Sabaac team.

SJ: Ouch. How'd you take it?

EP: I killed him in secret and sold her into slavery. The textbook Sith reaction.

SJ: And that, I'm guessing, was when you fell to the Dark Side of the Force?

EP: The Dark Side of the What?

SJ: The Force. The Dark Side of the Force?

EP: The Dark Side? I'm lost.

SJ: You know, the Force . . . the energy field that binds the universe together? . . . midichlorians?

EP: Not ringing any bells here, dude.

SJ: Never mind.

EP: You know it almost sounds familiar, but I could be wrong.

SJ: Speaking of being wrong, have you ever made a mistake?

EP: If my press agent is doing his job right, then no.

SJ: Not even a tiny one?

EP: I think getting this salad instead of the soup may qualify.

SJ: Well, we need to wrap things up here.

EP: (thank goodness)

SJ: What was that?

EP: Nothing.

SJ: Before we go, one last question. When you die and go to Heaven, what do you want to hear God say?

EP: "Here's the keys to my office. The name on the door's window has been changed to yours."

SJ: You know you're beginning to scare me.

EP: That's the idea. . . whatever your name is.