How I Saved Christmas by Defending the Diehards

Some context first.

I sleep on the train. It’s what I do. I take my seat, put on my headphones, and it’s lights out. It’s not like I have to worry about driving or anything; I just need to be conscious enough to hear my stop announced. This is not always possible given the fact that sleep is my mutant X-power. Anytime, anywhere, I can become dead to the world.

Recently, as I took my seat and began the process of nodding off, I was interrupted by a young gentleman across from me snickering to himself. I did what I usually do in these situations-- I checked to see if my fly was down. Relieved to see no one was making an unwelcome appearance, I became curious as to the source of the gentleman’s amusement. He was glancing to the family on the other side of the aisle, who were in the middle of a very animated conversation, one that others might confuse to be an argument. I happen to be an expert in family squabbles, and noticing the lack of blood, I easily surmised their talk was still on the “conversation” level.

What was the subject of their excited discussion? Christmas films, or rather what films rightfully belonged to this most hallowed of cinema groupings, and which were considered anathema. I could not help but follow their Yuletide debate, and soon realized it was going nowhere, as were my intentions to get in a power nap.

I removed my headphones and stepped in to save the day (because I’m nice like that). I introduced myself and provided my credentials. I told the family that I am currently enrolled at Southern New Hampshire University (SNHU), pursuing a Master’s Degree in Creative Writing. A lot of words that basically meant that I was the closest thing to an expert in their vicinity, so whatever I was about to say was right, and therefore they had no choice but to agree with me. Thankfully, they fell for it.

Like Mr. Spock from Star Trek, I approached their argument logically, hoping that a quick concession would allow me to get some shut-eye. I proposed that Christmas movies were a genre all on their own. The family agreed, as did the young gentleman, as he was now an active participant at this point. I then laid out that for any genre to be established, there must be a list of characteristics shared by all examples of said genre called “tropes.” I politely suggested that perhaps there has not yet been a consensus as to what tropes are universally accepted for Christmas films. For the next portion of our shared train ride, we discussed and agreed upon the following list of tropes that are required for a film to be considered a Christmas movie:

• The setting of the story must take place during the Christmas season. This is usually the month of December through Christmas Day, maybe New Year’s if you’re generous. The traditional Biblical setting also counts, such as one would see in a retelling of Luke, Chapter 2. Just make sure you’re in a place that could pass for ancient Jerusalem with things like a desert background, palm trees, and bearded men in long dresses.
• The plot of the story must be affected by the fact that it occurs during the Christmas season. For example, if you broke a leg falling off a ladder, that by itself would be just plain generic. However, if you broke your leg falling off a ladder because you were hanging those cursed lights for the Christmas season, that counts. 
• There must be consistent use of Christmas imagery throughout the film. This trope is vastly broad, but the truth is there’s a lot of things associated with the Holiday season. Consider the décor-- glitzy trees, wreaths, sleigh pulled by reindeer, Santa Claus, etc. And then the food/drink—Holiday ham, figgy pudding, eggnog, etc. Music is also included here (and if anyone starts singing “All I Want for Christmas is You” by Mariah Carey, you’re fixin’ to get beat upside the head with a fruitcake).
• There must be a theme related to Christian virtues. This list is broad as well but can be summed up to something along the lines of good will toward men in some way, shape or form. Common themes are Redemption, Christmas bringing out the best in us, and especially the concept of Family (including the bloodied conversations). Oh, and let’s not forget the most prominent—Love. If it can make you feel warm and fuzzy, Christianity probably has tried to lay claim to it.

So, based on that concise list, our Yule-starved group on the train now had the basis we needed. We could definitively state which films are yes, indeed, Christmas films, and which films should be cast aside like the socks Aunt Matilda gave as a gift (again). With this newfound feeling of comfort and joy, I have some bad news for some of you.

Die Hard is a Christmas movie.

“Wait!” I hear the nay-sayers cry. “How can that be?”

“Well,” says the unrepentant me. “I’ll be happy to explain.”

That film checks off every single one of the tropes on our list. Go ahead. Watch it and see. I’ll wait.

(. . . two hours and twelve minutes later.)

Told you. Let’s break things down further. You’ll forgive the gloating tone, but I was right after all.

• Christmas Setting--We’re in Los Angeles on Christmas Eve. There’s no snow, sure, but that’s over half of the world during December. Get used to it.
• Plot Affected by Christmas Setting--John McClane is there to visit his family for the Holidays and has been invited to the Christmas Party at Nakatomi Plaza. The fact that the employees are all in one place is the perfect time for Hans Gruber to carry out his hostage-heist plan.
• Consistent use of Christmas Imagery—Yep, it’s there through the entire film. From the Christmas party, the “I have a Machine Gun, Ho-Ho-Ho” bit, to the happy couple driving off in a busted limo with the background music of “Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!”
• Christmas Theme Virtue(s)—We mentioned redemption, and McClane is working towards reconciliation with his wife, Holly. He could have easily been selfish, escaped, and the bad guys would have been none the wiser. Instead, he demonstrates tremendous selflessness, to the point of sacrificing his person more than once to save others. Redeemed? I’d say so. A bloodied and foul-mouthed Bruce Willis may not seem like he embodies any Christian virtues, but who said he had to be perfect? Also, ask yourself this: If you went to war against a dozen heavily armed and organized bad guys, would you do any better? I guarantee you’d get beat up too, and most likely would’ve let an expletive or two slip along the way.

There you have it--undeniable proof that Die Hard does in fact belong on the list of Christmas films. You’re welcome. By the way, as I write this, I can feel several of you purists seething at my deduction.

Look, I can admit that Die Hard is definitely not a traditional Christmas film, probably due to the fact it has so many detractors that are akin to your standard action film. We have fight scenes, profanity, dead bodies literally falling everywhere, and the classic humongous explosion at the end. Folks have a hard time finding the whole “good will toward men” vibe from a film with such a high body count. They argue it should be labeled solely in the action film genre instead of the Christmas film category. They consider the idea of forcing these two genres together as absurd. To those folks, I’ve got more bad news for you.

That’s allowed.

Where is it written that one film cannot be represent more than one genre? Is there some sacred tomb that gets to have the final say? Nope! We get to decide for ourselves here. Genre-blending, as it is called, has existed for as long as there have been genres to label. In fact, Die Hard is not the first Christmas story to be blend two genres.

Case in point—A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens.

“Oh no you don’t!” the nay-sayers shout. “You are not going to defile a beloved classic!”

I’m not going to defile it; I’m going to define it.

Obviously, this beloved tale that bears retelling every year meets all the criteria for the Christmas film genre. There have been numerous retellings on stage and screen, each of them, though different, still abide by the tropes established earlier. But the thing with great stories is they often hit the spot in more than one way.

What if I told you that A Christmas Carol was also a scary ghost story? I can see you about to argue, and yet you hold your tongue. Got you thinking now, haven’t I? Dickens states at the very beginning of the novella that he is going to endeavor to haunt us with a ghost story. Look up “ghost story genre tropes” and you’ll see his novella hits several of those points. Ebenezer Scrooge didn’t just have a few visits from friendly ghosts. Oh no-- he’s shaken to his very core numerous times by several bed-wetting nightmares. Scrooge was literally scared straight.

Thus was born the Christmas/Ghost Story mixed genre. And that isn’t the only possible combination that’s come to pass. We know Christmas/Action already exists. There are hundreds of Christmas/Romance blends everywhere too. Just look at Hallmark! They’ve mastered (and abused) the romantic holiday combo over and over (and over and over). If you really remove the blinders, you’ll see Christmas films have blended with almost every notable film genre out there.

I’ll save you the trouble of proposing a worthless counterargument--that several of these “holiday” films consist of too many other tropes from non-Christmas genres. So much so that they should cancel out their consideration for a Christmas movie. Go ahead and list them, but at best you are merely pointing out your own personal detractions. A Christmas film is a Christmas film, regardless of what the story may mix in with the basic recipe.

In addition, seeing as I’m the one who took the time to put together this rather splendid and foolproof argument, I get the last say (Nyah!). If you want to refute my points, you are more than welcome to sit your own (insert expletive) keister down at your own (insert expletive) keyboard and type up your own (insert expletive) rebuttal. It won’t make a difference, but you’re welcome to it just the same. Also, if you’re blaming me for ruining your perspective of Christmas films, then I accept your unspoken gratitude. Allow me to add additional salt to your figurative wound by stating Die Hard II is also a Christmas film. I gave up sleep for this, people. You think I took it lightly?

Look, it’s time everyone accepted the fact that many of our beloved season’s stories have, without our permission (gasp!), exposed us to multiple story combinations. You can’t stop it, and it’s time you stop denying it. If we’re being honest, we like the fact that it’s happening. We long for new stories and even newer versions of the classics. Telling the same story the same way gets boring real fast (right, Hallmark?). Mix it up, folks! Have Santa’s sleigh involved in a car chase! Use a candy-cane shiv as your go-to weapon! Wish someone a profanity-laden holiday greeting! The magic of the season just becomes stronger with each additional blend.

By the way--"Merry Christmas, mother-f*****r!”